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Welcome to Lasting Affection!

Mental health wellness, news, and information



Stages of Trust


I am finally settled in beautiful Alameda and love my office! Thank you everyone for being so patient with me as I am adjusting and have a myriad of things to do to successfully move my practice. In recent months, I noticed a commmon theme that keeps coming up with my clients in their relationships, issues around TRUST!

In all Relationships the most important thing relationships must have is trust. Without trust, relationships cannot grow. Without trust, there is fear, and where there is fear, love goes in hiding. Dave Willis, founder of Stronger Marriages, describes six stages relationships must go through to develop enduring trust. Trust happens in stages. Picture a target with six concentric circles, with the outer circle as stage one and the bull’s eye as stage six.

1.Connection: This is when we have chemistry on the first date or first time meeting the person. “We just click.” When we have it, we go to stage 2.

2. Caution: In this stage we go in the relationship with caution. You must be careful not to go too fast or we lose the other person.

3. Consistency: This is the single ingredient needed for trust to take root. This is when the words and actions match over time. There is no short cut. Time is absolutely necessary; you cannot speed things up! 

4.Courage: This is the stage when you develop courage. When the person continues to prove to you they are trustworthy through consistency, and you have the courage, then you are ready to move forward to the next stage.

5. Commitment: This is the stage in a romantic relationship where you slip a ring on that person’s finger. You are sure this is the person you want to be with and are committed to this person.

6. Comfort: Comfort is the place where you are truly comfortable and feel safe. This is the last stage, the bull’s eye of the concentric circle. In this stage you can be truly vulnerable and know the other person has got your back. Some times marriages, best friends never reach this stage. There are a lot of reasons why people don’t get to this stage.

There you have it!  What stage is your relationships? Are you struggling with a particular stage and need help?Perhaps consider getting professional help. You are welcome to give me a call and see if I can help you. If I am not, I am happy to give you some referrals. All the best to you!


Relocating my Oakland Office!

Greetings my friends, colleagues, current and future clients, on April 15th 2017, I will be relocating my Oakland Office to beautiful Alameda! The new location will be posted after the move. If you are thinking of referring to me, think Alameda and Albany offices! To contact me my phone number, and email will be the same. Thank you everyone for your support. I has been rewarding to see so many lives enhance and transformed through working together! Blessings!


Can parents ruin their kids? Scary thought, isn't it?

As a parent of teenagers and a therapist providing parenting skills to many parents, I know that parents try their best to raise successful children. However, parents can do things that inadvertently prevent their children from developing keen executive functioning skills, social skills and emotional intelligence, which are necessary to function as confident and competent adults.

Here is something that I have noticed about many of the college students in the UCs and State Colleges in the Bay Area that I've counseled for over 11 years. They often fall in one of the following situations: a freshmen in college, relocating from out of state or country, feeling alone and lonely, struggling to make the "right" decisions about their romantic relationships, or having to make a major decision about their education/career. The most common diagnosis for college students are Major Depression, Social Anxiety, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Most of the students' depression or anxiety are triggered by the adjustments they are experiencing and they do not have coping skills and are afraid to make decision for themselves.

Most of the students are petrified of making the wrong decisions. They are afraid of disappointing their parents, friends, people in general and feel damned if they do and damed if they don't. Most parents have done so much for their children, such as rescuing and sparing them from any and all inconvenience, discomfort, and made most of the "important" decisions for them. As a result, many of these student have not had the practice of orienting themselves to what they really need or want, to make that decision and learn to make adjustments from their mistakes. Without practice, these students have poorly developed organizational skills, self-discipline and are not able to follow through to accomplsh what they desire. These are very important skills to have to be a successful college student. Recently I came across an article "What a Stanford Dean Says Parents are Doing That’s Ruining Their Kids" on facebook. This speaks to what I have observed and it will help you make changes to your parenitng approach so your child can begin to learn some of these skills. I think this is worth reading and considering. Enjoy!


"Fighting Well" Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Many people have asked about my approach in doing couple therapy but I have not found a good way to share that with my audience until now. I have been trained by Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT,  a clinician, researcher, teacher, developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), and my mentor. I have been so blessed by his work and wanted to share with my audience his PACT approach which I use with my clients. Here is a link to a interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin that will give you a better idea of how I do couple therapy. The interview is titled "How 'Fighting Well' Can Strengthen Your Relationship." He shares about the importance of understanding how the brain works so we can know how to take care of our partner. Learning how to be attuned to your partner's facial expression and body language, and knowing how to reduce threat, are some skills my clients learn. Just click the above link and see for yourself.


Do couples need to solve all their problems?

After 15 years of research, the University of Denver develped the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) to help couples overcome problems in their relatioships. However, they found that 70 percent of the issues couples deal with don't really need to be solved, just well discussed! Have you tried to have full discussions about an issue where you both listened well and really heard each other? Try it out and let me know what happened. If you find yourselves having difficulty doing this, maybe it's time to seek some help with communication skills. Learn the skills to undue the negative patterns before it's too late.