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Welcome to Lasting Affection!

Mental health wellness, news, and information


 

Friday
Dec152017

Stage Three: Consistency

Consistency is the stage where trust is made. There is no shortcut and no test available to learn whether the person you are dating is worthy of your trust. Trust must be developed through consistent behaviors that create safety and security in the relationship. When you break someone’s trust, you bring insecurity into the relationship. You must repair immediately and discontinue the behavior. However, after repair you may feel that the relationship has taken a step backwards to stage two again. Why?

There's a unique relationship that we need to understand about forgiveness and trust. In couple relationships, the one who breaks trust may experience that their offense is forever held against them even after they repair and have been forgiven. What they don’t understand is that trust must be earned. Forgiveness may be given, but trust cannot be given. Forgiveness is needed before someone can start to trust again because forgiveness is the beginning point of building trust. Without forgiveness trust cannot be rebuilt.

Consistency in behavior is not only about earning someone’s trust after you have broken it. Consistent behavior through time will show you the person’s “true color,” so to speak. Ask yourself, "What does this person's actions tell me? Does it give me the green light to trust or does it give me pause to reconsider?" Don't rush further into the relationship until you’ve seen consistent behaviors when with friends, family, at work and other contexts. In other words, this person needs to have integrity in the public arena and in private with you. Through their consistent behaviors, you will know whether you can trust a little more each time. 

Tuesday
Nov212017

Stage Two : Caution

Notice that I skipped posting Stage One: Connection. This is the stage where you meet someone and you just "click" with them. It feels so right; conversations flow naturally; and the feelings that arises are amazing!

After that comes Stage Two: Caution. "Caution," because you need to take it slow as you're learning who this person is and how you are with this person. The time you spend together is with the intention to learn about his/her relationships with their family, friends, and co-workers. What is this person's temperament like? Is this a safe person? Is this person truly interested in you and care about you? 

We are all on our best behavior when we first meet someone because our hormones are at work, but over time the hormones will die down. Take time to learn about yourself in relationship with this person. Do you like this person, or do you like your fantasy or the potential of this person? How do you both resolve conflicts and do you repair well or do you just avoid conflicts by giving this person hundreds of excuses?

I don't believe in "Love at first sight." It rarely happens. The intimacy that we all desire only comes from getting to know each other over time, in different circumstances, through many tests and challenges that life has to offer. Slow down the pace. Don't go too fast emotionally and physically. When you go too fast too soon, you may end up with regrets and when you do want to slow down, it will be hard to do so. Take it slow; continue the relationship with caution.

 

Thursday
Aug172017

Stages of Trust

 

I am finally settled in beautiful Alameda and love my office! Thank you everyone for being so patient with me as I am adjusting and have a myriad of things to do to successfully move my practice. In recent months, I noticed a commmon theme that keeps coming up with my clients in their relationships, issues around TRUST!

In all Relationships the most important thing relationships must have is trust. Without trust, relationships cannot grow. Without trust, there is fear, and where there is fear, love goes in hiding. Dave Willis, founder of Stronger Marriages, describes six stages relationships must go through to develop enduring trust. Trust happens in stages. Picture a target with six concentric circles, with the outer circle as stage one and the bull’s eye as stage six.

1.Connection: This is when we have chemistry on the first date or first time meeting the person. “We just click.” When we have it, we go to stage 2.

2. Caution: In this stage we go in the relationship with caution. You must be careful not to go too fast or we lose the other person.

3. Consistency: This is the single ingredient needed for trust to take root. This is when the words and actions match over time. There is no short cut. Time is absolutely necessary; you cannot speed things up! 

4.Courage: This is the stage when you develop courage. When the person continues to prove to you they are trustworthy through consistency, and you have the courage, then you are ready to move forward to the next stage.

5. Commitment: This is the stage in a romantic relationship where you slip a ring on that person’s finger. You are sure this is the person you want to be with and are committed to this person.

6. Comfort: Comfort is the place where you are truly comfortable and feel safe. This is the last stage, the bull’s eye of the concentric circle. In this stage you can be truly vulnerable and know the other person has got your back. Some times marriages, best friends never reach this stage. There are a lot of reasons why people don’t get to this stage.

There you have it!  What stage is your relationships? Are you struggling with a particular stage and need help?Perhaps consider getting professional help. You are welcome to give me a call and see if I can help you. If I am not, I am happy to give you some referrals. All the best to you!

Friday
Mar242017

Relocating my Oakland Office!

Greetings my friends, colleagues, current and future clients, on April 15th 2017, I will be relocating my Oakland Office to beautiful Alameda! The new location will be posted after the move. If you are thinking of referring to me, think Alameda and Albany offices! To contact me my phone number, and email will be the same. Thank you everyone for your support. I has been rewarding to see so many lives enhance and transformed through working together! Blessings!

Monday
Oct172016

Can parents ruin their kids? Scary thought, isn't it?

As a parent of teenagers and a therapist providing parenting skills to many parents, I know that parents try their best to raise successful children. However, parents can do things that inadvertently prevent their children from developing keen executive functioning skills, social skills and emotional intelligence, which are necessary to function as confident and competent adults.

Here is something that I have noticed about many of the college students in the UCs and State Colleges in the Bay Area that I've counseled for over 11 years. They often fall in one of the following situations: a freshmen in college, relocating from out of state or country, feeling alone and lonely, struggling to make the "right" decisions about their romantic relationships, or having to make a major decision about their education/career. The most common diagnosis for college students are Major Depression, Social Anxiety, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Most of the students' depression or anxiety are triggered by the adjustments they are experiencing and they do not have coping skills and are afraid to make decision for themselves.

Most of the students are petrified of making the wrong decisions. They are afraid of disappointing their parents, friends, people in general and feel damned if they do and damed if they don't. Most parents have done so much for their children, such as rescuing and sparing them from any and all inconvenience, discomfort, and made most of the "important" decisions for them. As a result, many of these student have not had the practice of orienting themselves to what they really need or want, to make that decision and learn to make adjustments from their mistakes. Without practice, these students have poorly developed organizational skills, self-discipline and are not able to follow through to accomplsh what they desire. These are very important skills to have to be a successful college student. Recently I came across an article "What a Stanford Dean Says Parents are Doing That’s Ruining Their Kids" on facebook. This speaks to what I have observed and it will help you make changes to your parenitng approach so your child can begin to learn some of these skills. I think this is worth reading and considering. Enjoy!